


Kasady Family Values

by Prince_of_Trash



Series: Meet the Kasadys [2]
Category: Carnage (Comics), Venom (Comics), Venom (Movie 2018)
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Culture, Alternate Universe - Mob, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Child Abuse, Child Death, Dark Comedy, Horror Sitcom, Murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2020-11-27 09:13:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20945903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prince_of_Trash/pseuds/Prince_of_Trash
Summary: Based off the AU created by freedomconvictedIn a world where aliens live among humans, Cletus Kasady has found the love of his life in a predatory alien known as a klyntar. Married with a baby, Cletus is ready to start his new life with his new family. Between a semi-god alien neighbor, tending to his relationship, and raising little klyntar spawn he's 95 percent sure are his, finding the balance to keep up with his need to kill is quite the challenge. Still, when you marry into the alien mafia, death thankfully finds a way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of the Meet the Kasady's AU created by [freedomconvicted](https://freedomconvicted.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> Thanks for clicking! This is basically a continuation of Meet the Kasadys, but there's no real need to read that to enjoy this! (But I'll love you forever if you do) These are basically going to be interconnected short stories with an over arching plot. My attempt at writing a sort of horror sitcom. Mind the tags! Graphic violence and child death warning for this chapter. Not much to say, other than let me know what you think! I appreciate all comments!

Lisa Prescott looked out at her front yard and sighed contentedly. The grass was perfectly manicured, and her tulips were in full bloom. An ideal life was her actual reality, but the work was never done when you were a stay-at-home mom. The kids were still in school, and Dave, her distantly loving husband, was working hard doing his job while raising the self esteem of his female coworkers by complimenting their looks.

It was a warm summer day, and Lisa lifted a hand to shield her eyes from the bright sun. She caught sight of her next-door neighbor, Girnath the Destroyer, drifting towards the newspaper from this morning, and waved politely to the god-like creature.

The levitating alien’s many eyes all honed in on her at once, and Lisa got the feeling that she was being stripped down to her very molecules in some other dimension. The sensation ended when Girnath raised one of her long, incredibly thin arms and waved back.

Girnath and her husband, Mark the Destroyer, were the only alien/human couple on the street. Every time Lisa looked at Girnath, the air felt cold and distorted for a half an hour afterwards, but they were good neighbors. The same could not be said of Sharon Stout across the street, who had the gall to flirt with Dave after they accidentally got locked in the Jones’s cellar together during the annual neighborhood barbecue. 

Silly Dave hadn’t realized he just needed to move the deadbolt, but that’s why a husband always needed his wife.

Lisa retreated inside her perfect house to monitor the meatloaf she was readying for dinner. It would be finished by the time Dave and the kids got home, and she was excited to present it to her hungry family. Lisa flitted around her kitchen, preparing the sides, but froze when she heard the doorbell ring.

“Who could that be?” She internally chastised herself when she realized she asked the question out loud. She had to be careful with that. Dave didn’t like it when she talked to herself, and she briefly considered taking some of her soothing pills before he got home. Lisa shook her head. Maybe later.

Instead, she walked from her kitchen, and through her expansive living room with bay windows to open the door and greet whoever was on the other side.

“Hello, how can I help you?” she asked, and was pleasantly surprised to see and kindly looking man about Dave’s age on the other side.

“Hello, ma’am,” the man said with a polite smile. “I’m awfully sorry to bother you, but my cat got out and I saw her run into your backyard. Do you mind if I look around for her?”

Lisa’s first thought was the man before her was rather handsome. He was only slightly taller than her, with bright green eyes that seemed to shimmer like emeralds in the late afternoon sun. Curls of red hair bounced against his forehead, while a smattering of freckles decorated the bridge of his long nose. He reminded her of the grown-up version of Howard Stern’s character in Happy Days.

“Not at all,” she said, immediately.

“Well, thanks a lot, ma’am,” he said, taking a step back from her. “I just didn’t want to scare you. I swear, I’ll make it quick and I’ll be out of your hair.”

Lisa couldn’t stop the twinge of disappointment at his retreat, and before he turned around entirely to head towards the backyard, she spoke.

“That gate is tricky to work. You can come through the house if you want.”

The mans thick eyebrows rose in genuine surprise. “You sure about that, ma’am?” he asked, rubbing the back of his head with a bashful smile. “Didn’t anyone tell you it’s not safe to invite strangers inside?” He sounded embarrassed, and Lisa was immediately endeared.

“Well, what’s your name?” she asked.

“Ha, it’s Cletus,” he said. “Cletus Kasady.” He held out a hand for her to shake and she took it without hesitation. She was further disappointed to see a wedding ring on his finger. 

“I’m Lisa,” she said. “Lisa Prescott. See? Now we aren’t strangers.”

He let out a soft laugh and looked up at her through lashes that were copper in the sunlight. Lisa didn’t miss the careful way he angled himself towards her, and it made him appear shy. Her eyes travelled to his toned arms, and she couldn’t fathom why. “I guess we’re not. Well, if you insist.” She moved out of the way as he entered the house and looked around her living room. He let out a whistle. “My, your home sure is lovely.”

“Thank you,” Lisa said, tucking a strand of blond hair behind her ear. She didn’t mean to flirt. She was a married woman, and she certainly didn’t want to be like Sharon flirting with every man who wasn’t her husband. Still, it was hard to ignore the very handsome elephant in the room.

“Oh, wow, bay windows.” Cletus walked over to the rather pretty view of the lawn, if Lisa did say so herself. He smiled again, only it was different than the shy one he had outside: sharper and stretching the scars on his lip she hadn’t noticed before now. It was then, some dormant part of Lisa Prescott told her that she should get him out of her house as soon as humanly possible.

Cletus waltzed over to the mantle of the fireplace and studied the family photos. He stopped at one of her late mother Gertrude and picked it up without asking.

“Oh, please be careful!” she exclaimed.

Cletus’s eyes snapped to her in a way that reminded her a bit too much of Girnath. Without the sun to fill them, they were as empty as broken beer bottles. Lisa swallowed and controlled the tremble in her voice. “That’s the only picture she allowed us to take before she passed.” 

“Ah.” Cletus put the photo back with a great show of carefulness. It felt like a show, at least. Lisa got the impression that he actually wanted to toss the frame directly at her face. “Sorry. I’m new around here.”

“Oh?” Lisa started to walk towards the kitchen, and he followed her without complaint. She kept her smile in place. “I couldn’t help but notice your ring.” She instinctively put herself behind the kitchen island as soon as they entered, and thankfully Cletus didn’t follow.

Instead, a flicker of a genuine smile put her back at ease. He twisted the silver band, the sharp lines around his eyes softening. “Yeah, my wife and I got hitched recently. It was a really big wedding. Almost a bit too much excitement for me. So, we were looking at quiet neighborhoods like this one. We got a kid too. Born a couple days ago.”

“Oh, that’s lovely,” she said, taking her eyes off of him briefly to check on the meatloaf. Dave wouldn’t be happy with her if she burned it. “I have two girls myself. Ashley just started kindergarten and Kaitlyn is the smartest girl in her third-grade class.” When she looked at Cletus again, he was headed towards the sliding glass doors that led to the backyard.

“Well, thanks for letting me get my cat,” he said as he slid the door open. “But you seriously need to be more careful with who you let into your house, Mrs. Prescott.” His flat, empty eyes fixed on her, and the scars grazing his lip made his smile look all the more off-putting. “Not every guy is as nice as me.” He exited the house, and Lisa couldn’t stop the sigh of relief that vacated her lungs.

She certainly had to be more careful. Cletus was handsome at first, but there was something off about him that gave her the heebee jeebies. Lisa found her chopping board and grabbed a carrot, ready to prepare the side dish to her famous meatloaf. All she needed was her knife.

Where had she put it?

She was always misplacing things. Dave said she’d lose her head if it wasn’t attached to her shoulders. Susan, her friend from spin class, always said that was mean of him to say, but it wasn’t a wife’s place to question the man of the house.

“Where the dickens did I put it?” she asked herself out loud again as she started to open nearly every drawer in the house. “I can’t cut carrots with just any old knife.”

“You looking for something?”

Lisa let out a gasp and whirled around to see Cletus standing at the glass doors. She cursed herself for not locking them. “Oh! D-Did you find your cat?”

“Nope.”

“Sorry to hear that. You can leave out of the back,” she suggested, doing her best to remain polite.

“Already tried. You were right. That latch is tricky,” Cletus said.

“Oh, okay. Well, I’m sure if you leave some milk out, she’ll come home,” Lisa assured with a light laugh to break the sudden tension in the room. Cletus didn’t laugh with her.

“What are you looking for, Lisa?” His question sounded more like a demand than an actual question.

“Oh, I’m just looking for my…”

Cletus pulled her knife from behind his back.

“Oh, you found it!” she said with a relieved smile. “I would have never heard the end of it if Dave didn’t have his carrots!”

Cletus made no move to hand it back to her, and instead reached behind himself once more. There was an audible ‘click’ and Lisa’s smile wavered.

“Why are you locking the door?”

Cletus took a step towards her and his breathing turned heavier.

“Where did you say you lived again?” she asked, moving back and startling as she bumped into the cabinets behind her.

“I didn’t."

Then, realizing the situation she was in, Lisa Prescott let out a soft,

“Oh, shit.”

Cletus leapt across the island. His hand left a sweaty print on the marble top, just before he crashed into her. Lisa’s scream was cut off by Cletus’s hand over her mouth as he drove the knife into her chest. Lisa barely felt it, as she scrambled against him. Her hand reached behind her as she threw various spices and cooking utensils at him. So, murder was how he got such great arms. Go figure.

The angle he forced her into made it nearly impossible to hit him, and clouds of paprika and Grandma Gertrude’s secret blend filled the air. They both to coughed. Cletus backed up, and Lisa attempted to run, only to fall sideways onto her pristine kitchen tiles.

Dave was not going to be happy about the blood stains, but she could apologize later if she managed to survive. Lisa attempted to claw her way towards the living room where she left her cellphone.

“Now, don’t put up a fight. I gotta make sure the house is ready for when my lady shows up!” Cletus stood over her, and she could see her own blood on his hands. Huh, he had nice hands too. His wife was a lucky lady. Lisa took a moment to think this, and then immediately remembered she was in the process of being murdered, and went back to panicking.

His eyes were as empty as when this inconvenient nightmare started. With little flourish, he grabbed her by her hair, flipped her over and stabbed her again. Lisa heard the blade scrape against her ribs. She tried to scream, but only a choked gurgle came. He plunged the knife into her stomach.

“W…Why?” she managed through the blood pooling in her throat.

“Because you have bay windows!”

He stabbed her again.

“Because this neighborhood is close to a school that has a healthy diversity of aliens and humans!”

Stab.

“Because I’m in love with your kitchen island!”

Stab.

“Because it looks like you have a walk-in pantry!”

Stab.

“But most importantly of all,” Cletus leered down at her. She could barely see the whites of his teeth as black spots danced in her vision. However, the green of his eyes penetrated the darkness. She could see those just fine, and they were full of mirth and what Lisa could only describe as evil. “Most importantly, because I feel like it.”

The knife came down the final time.

The kids would be home soon.

*******

Dave Prescott walked up to his front door and smoothed down the front of his suit. His secretary’s self-esteem wasn’t going to raise itself, and so he was home later than intended. He had shot a text to Lisa informing her of such, and her response was odd, to say the least.

**K sounds gud**

That wasn’t like Lisa at all, but then again, the girls were probably home, and she had a lot on her plate keeping a house in check. As long as she texted him back, then there would be no need for a stern talking to. Sometimes it was hard to be the man of the house. He didn’t like making Lisa feel bad, but her womanly emotions often got in the way of her logic, and she needed a firm but loving hand to keep her on track.

Dave entered the foyer and walked through the living room, smelling the meatloaf in the air. He sure did love Lisa’s meatloaf. And by Lisa’s meatloaf, he meant his mother’s he had Lisa practice until she got it right.

He entered their spacious kitchen he designed himself, and stopped when he felt his top-of-the-line work shoes step into a puddle of something wet.

“Oh no, the tiles!” he cried when he realized he had stepped in blood. “Lisa, did you let in another home invader?” Dave walked around the kitchen island. “I told you to stop letting strange men in the house!” He paused when he spotted what remained of his poor wife.

Lisa, the love of his life (probably) was sprawled on her back in a pool of her own blood. Dave’s mouth fell open in horror, and he placed a hand over his chest to still his racing heart. Lisa’s blond hair was smeared with red, and her lips were parted in a silent scream.

By God.

If Lisa was dead, that meant….

“The meatloaf!” Dave cried just as something hit him in the back of head.

The world went black as the bloody tiles rose up to meet his face.

When Dave woke, he was sitting upright, and it took him a moment to realize through the throbbing pain in his head, that he was tied to one of his lovely kitchen chairs. They were part of a set he got on sale from SEARS for an absolute steal!

“Well, good to see the man of the house is awake,” a man’s voice said. Of course, it was a man. It was always a man.

Dave squeezed his eyes shut for a moment to clear his vision. When he opened them again, two blood-covered hands sat a plate of slightly burned meatloaf in front of him. No carrots. He must be in Hell. Dave attempted to move his arms to gauge his ability to stand, and quickly figured out he was practically cocooned to the chair with rope.

“Wh-What?” Even one word left him nauseous, and he felt so inexplicably tired despite getting the proper eight hours of sleep the night before. He heard the chair furthest from his right squeak against the tiles. He looked up, and the first thing he saw was a man with bright red hair covered in blood—presumably Lisa’s.

The next thing he saw was Lisa’s corpse sitting right next to him, and across form her, the bodies of his two girls, Ashley and Kaitlyn. In front of Kaitlyn was a spelling test with a big A plus written in red ink. Well, her A plus was great, but a corpse wasn’t going to beat Jeffery Sturgess’s little wiz kid at the annual spelling bee.

“I’d say I was sorry about your family, but I’m really not, and I’m working on my issues with honesty.” The red-haired man’s voice brought Dave’s attention back to him. He sat next to Lisa with his chin in his hand. “Key to a healthy marriage is being honest with each other, and I guess you’re as good of a practice dummy as any.”

“Glad I can help,” Dave said in an oddly sincere voice given the circumstance. “A little white lie here or there won’t hurt though. Women can be fragile.” As he spoke, the man stabbed a knife into the table, and stood abruptly from his chair. Dave didn’t even have time to panic before the man was snarling directly in his face.

“I tell my wife everything! You mean to tell me, you had all of this,” he made a gesture to the comfy kitchen, “and you lied to kind, sweet Lisa here?” The man placed a hand on Lisa’s shoulder and her head lolled limply to the side. “You see, Mr. Prescott, I love my wife. Did you love yours?”

Dave’s eyes went to the knife jutting out of his beautiful mahogany table. “Well, Lisa and I are, uh, _were_ high school sweethearts. I was captain of the football team and she was the captain of the cheerleading team. We got married right after we graduated high school and she waited for me while I was in college.”

The red-haired man held his gaze for a little while longer while Dave fidgeted against his bindings. “You didn’t answer my question.” 

“Of course I love her!” Dave said. He looked at his recently deceased wife and sighed. “Well, loved her. You did dispatch her on meatloaf night, though. Which is a shame. I feel like if you had tried it, you would have thought twice about murdering my entire family.” 

“Doubt that.” The man stepped back and ripped the knife out of the table. He seemed agitated in the way he paced around the kitchen counter. He reached into the pocket of his red jeans, pulled out a cellphone, studied the screen and then tossed it unceremoniously on the island. “Fuck! Where is she?”

Dave watched the man’s back. He was tense, every muscle rigid through the black material of his shirt.

“Say, I feel like it would be kind of rude to call you Mr. Home Invader, so can I get your name?” Dave asked.

The man looked at him over his shoulder, and the angle made his cheekbones appear sharper. “Cletus. Not that it matters.” Dave picked up on a slight Brooklyn accent. Cletus picked up the phone and started to pace around the island again.

“I’d say it does,” Dave said kindly. “You seem anxious.”

“I get twitchy when I haven’t seen my wife in a while.” He looked up from his phone and pressed his index finger against his temple. “It gets real screwy up here, and she’s about the only person who can sort it out.”

Dave pressed his lips into a thin line and spared glances at his recently deceased family.

“You got something you wanna say to me, Dave?” Cletus asked. The question didn’t actually sound like a question. More like a warning that Dave should not, in fact, say anything regarding the corpses around him.

“Oh, just that I’m glad you found someone who’s willing to help you with whatever mental illness you’ve got going on.” Dave meant it as a compliment, but Cletus was already on edge, and Dave barely managed to duck his head as a cast iron pan came flying at him like a frisbee.

“I ain’t mentally ill!” Cletus screamed; his expression unhinged with rage. “I’m married with a kid, and perfectly well-adjusted!”

“Golly, you’re right,” Dave said sincerely. He couldn’t help but wince at the damage done to the wall behind him. “I shouldn’t have assumed that. Sorry, Cletus. I hope you don’t think less of me.”

Cletus watched him for a few minutes, his chest visibly rising and falling with every breath. “You gotta be fucking with me,” he muttered.

“No, no!” Dave said. “It truly was rude of me to assume anything about your mental health. Besides, mixed up heads are way more prevalent in women. My Lisa, for example, had some pills to help her focus on the important things, like making dinner and cleaning the house.”

Cletus’s eyes narrowed, but he said nothing and went back to staring at his phone screen. “Your wife was a nice lady,” he said after a moment. “I liked her a lot.”

“Why did you kill her then?” Dave asked.

Cletus shrugged a shoulder, his focus still entirely on his phone. “No reason. I mean, I want your house, but I could have gotten it without killing you.”

“Uh huh,” Dave said. “How do you figure that?”

“My wife and brother-in-law have more money than God. They would have made you an offer you’d be an idiot to pass up. Probably would have been easier than dealing with the cover up for this mess.” Cletus sharply inhaled through his nose and started to text. “But I needed to do this my way.”

“Good on you for taking control of the situation like a real husband should,” Dave said. “It’s always the man’s job to provide for his family.”

“So I’ve been told,” Cletus said, disinterested. His cellphone rang, and that on-edge tenseness in his jaw relaxed as he hit the receive call button. “Hey baby, where are you?” Cletus walked toward the stone archway that led to the currently dark living room. Dave looked at the stove clock. It was close to ten. He’d been out for awhile then, and judging by the enviable muscles in Cletus’s arms, he was lucky to just be out. “Yeah, yeah, no I’m fine. I’m just waiting for you. I know it’s out of the way.”

Cletus made his way back to the island and pulled out a stool to sit on. “Oh, no, honey, you gotta turn left at the Arby’s. No, I don’t need anything from Arby’s.” Cletus ran a hand through his hair and rolled his eyes, although the gesture seemed more amused than annoyed. “Alright, I’ll see you in a few minutes. I love you too.” He smiled softly. “Oh, the kid’s fine. He’s enjoying some quality time with his old man. Been an absolute angel.” There was a pause. “Alright, bye babe.”

All the tension bled out of Cletus’s shoulders and he nearly slumped against the island.

“Sounds like she got lost,” Dave said.

“She’s almost here,” Cletus said. “Better get the kid.”

“Kid?”

Cletus placed two fingers in his mouth and whistled. Kaitlyn’s slumped head moved and from behind the curtain of blond hair concealing her face, and a wad of what appeared to be red and blue goo dripped down onto the table.

“You get your fill, kiddo?” Cletus scooped up the goo and let it twine itself around his fingers. It certainly was alive. Very alive, and making chittering sounds.

“That’s…that’s your kid?” Dave asked, keeping his smile in place.

“Yup, this is my pride and joy,” Cletus said. “He’s got his mama’s color.”

“It’s a boy?”

Cletus looked at the goo and then back at Dave. “I’m not really sure, to tell you the truth. I’m just guessing.” Two thicker tendrils extended from the infant alien in Cletus’s hands to touch his cheeks. “Don’t you worry,” Cletus said in a babyish voice that was horrifically creepy. “Your mama is gonna be here any minute. She just passed Arby’s, which you can’t have because dead meat makes you sick, yes it does! Yes, it does!”

Just when Dave was about to ask if the baby was actually Cletus’s, he heard the front door open. Cletus paused his baby talk, and a wide grin that made the two scars on his lip stretch awkwardly lit up his face. He hurried over to the entryway of the kitchen and called into the darkened living room, “I’m in here, baby!”

Judging by the slight vibrations beneath his chair, whatever entered the house was big. Cletus didn’t go into the living room, but over his head, Dave saw two reflective eyes appear. A low rumbling followed as the eyes swayed with every step the creature took towards the kitchen.

It definitely wasn’t Girnath. She was the only alien on the street, and had way more than two eyes. Cletus practically trembled with excitement, so there was no question that this was the wife. Of course. Cletus struck him as a man with more exotic taste. Dave himself had no problem with humans dating aliens, to each his own, but when the creature walked into the light of the kitchen, he had to bite back a scream.

There was nothing human in the face peering at him from underneath a dark hood. Its eyes were huge, nearly encompassing its entire face, but it made them no easier to read. Dave was not one to scare easy, but fear hummed from the back of his skull, getting louder as the alien lifted its chin and parted its fangs.

“Nice ventilation.” It did not sound like a woman. The voice that came out of the jagged maw was androgynous at best, but the hiss that lurked beneath its words made Dave think it wasn’t meant to speak out loud. From what he could see of the alien’s face beneath the hood, it was red, with serrated fangs and black veins that shifted and swayed with the movement of its skin.

“Welcome, babe!” Cletus said. “I know it was kind of out of the way, but you made it!”

The alien’s head snapped around. It was so much taller than Cletus, and its hands ended in jagged talons. Surely this wasn’t the thing Cletus had been talking to so sweetly over the phone. It lifted its hand, and Dave braced himself for it to swat Cletus away, but the creature instead rested its palm against his cheek. With a soft keen, it gently tilted his head back to touch its forehead to his.

“Sorry, I’m late.” The frayed edges of its enormous eyes seemed softer somehow. 

Cletus placed his hands over the alien’s, and Dave saw the matching wedding bands on their fingers. “It’s okay, Red.” Cletus nuzzled the monstrous hand as if there was no danger of its fingers closing and crushing his skull. The alien, or rather, Red, pressed its mouth to Cletus’s forehead.

Then its gaze honed in on Dave. A long, serpentine tongue snaked out of its mouth to graze over its teeth. “Who is this?” it asked.

“Red, this is Dave!” Cletus said, stepping away to make a grand sweeping gesture with his arm. “Consider him your housewarming gift! Dave, this is my wife, Red.” Dave may have been slightly off base with his tentative assumption that Cletus’s wife was a nervous wisp of a woman. 

“Oh, Cletus.” Red pressed a hand over her muscular chest. Dave could see the lines of her pectorals even through the coat. “You shouldn’t have. I might have to hassle you.”

“Don’t you dare!” Cletus attempted to retreat around the kitchen island, but Red’s long arms caught him around the waist and pulled him back against her. “Babe, our kid!” Cletus brought the squirming goo closer to his chest, although there was no real protest since he was laughing. The alien’s teeth snapped at a flyaway curl of hair and yanked on it playfully. “Ow, hey! That’s my hair!” He said through his giggling. He turned his face and kissed Red on the side of her face and let it linger. Her large pupil-less eyes shrank into tiny slits, as she let out a pleased rumble. 

_Aw_, Dave thought, momentarily forgetting that the delightful new family were uninvited guests who had murdered his wife and kids.

“Go finish him off, Red,” Cletus said. “I saved him for you.”

That made him remember.

“H-Hey, now let’s not be too hasty!” Dave attempted to move his legs only to find they were bound to the legs of the chair.

Red gently put Cletus down, cradled his face in her hands one last time to press her teeth to his mouth, and turned to Dave. All tenderness she displayed might as well have never existed. She moved across the kitchen floor like a tiger ready to pounce, slow, deliberate, and inevitable.

“You smell delicious.” Red placed her hands silently on the table and lifted herself onto it. Not even the tips of her talons made a noise as she peered down at him from underneath her hood. Dave tried to keep his boyish smile in place. He wasn’t sure how great the effect was on aliens, but this one seemed to be female, so maybe there was hope that she’d take pity on a pretty face.

“I appreciate the compliment, Red,” Dave said. “But this bleeding corpse next to me is my lovely wife, so let’s keep it friendly, alright?”

Red’s fangs parted with a gurgling hiss that made Dave’s skin erupt in goosebumps. Cletus remained by the kitchen island, toying with the tiny wad of goo in his arms. He seemed perfectly content now, as if he hadn’t tried to kill Dave in a fit of rage with a pan earlier.

“I like you, Dave,” Red said. The uneven line of her mouth twisted at the corners into a ghoulish smile. Dave flinched as she placed her hand on the chair and tilted it backwards. His distorted reflection stared back at him from the opalescent white of her eyes. His throat went dry.

Being so close to her now, Red was eerily beautiful. Still terrifying—still so far removed from a human that under normal circumstances he wouldn’t look twice at her in fear for his life, but something about her was nothing short of hypnotic. Lisa had never captivated him so entirely, for love was nowhere near as powerful as the primal terror of being cornered by an apex predator.

“Do you have a walk-in pantry?” Red asked.

“Huh?” Dave blinked, remembering he hadn’t in a few seconds. “Uh, yeah. Sure do.”

She tilted her head. “How many bedrooms? The outside looks absolutely adorable.”

“Three bedrooms,” Dave said. “The master bedroom is at the end of the hall upstairs. My office is up there as well. It used to be the nursery, but with the girls getting so big, there wasn’t a need for it anymore.”

“I see,” Red said. “And central air?”

“Of course,” Dave said. “Also, the kitchen island can seat six, but we prefer the dining room table for family dinners.”

“I’ve been wanting to learn how to cook,” Red said thoughtfully. She looked over her shoulder at Cletus and then back at Dave. “We’ll take it!”

“Uh, well, the house isn’t…” Dave stole a glance at Cletus, and the look on his face was enough to make him swallow his words. “You know what? Good. You can have the house, and I’ll probably move to Guam or somewhere far away where you’ll never see me again.”

“That won’t be necessary.” Red’s voice brought his attention back to her. Ropes of saliva dangled from her jaws. She raised her other hand, and from the sleeve of her coat, three tendrils spiraled lazily towards his face.

“I don’t like that!” Dave cried.

“What are you doing?” Cletus asked. His voice was pitched with panic. 

“Y-Yeah, what are you doing?” Dave turned his face to the side and craned his neck back as far as it would go. He knew it would only buy him maybe a second before the tendrils did whatever they were going to do, but anything to live even a moment longer. 

“Just wanting to get a little extra flavor with the meal.” Red’s prehensile tongue practically slithered over her fangs. It gave Dave chills that weren’t entirely unpleasant, and he did not want to explore that part of himself any further than he had to today.

Cletus moved to the table and grabbed Red’s sleeve with one hand while still cradling the baby in the other. “I don’t want you to bond with him.” The pained look on his face was enough to make Dave feel sorry for him. Clearly, Cletus was the type of person who had very little self-identity outside of his relationship with his wife, and it showed with how sensitive he was to her every word and action. Dave was also picking up on some rampant abandonment issues. Poor guy.

Red stared at Cletus’s hand on her sleeve. As lovely as she was, Dave was almost sure this time she was about to snap and swat her human companion away. He was proven wrong again, however, when the tendrils retracted. She took Cletus’s face in her hands, and despite not being human, her eyes held so much devotion it made Dave’s heart ache a little.

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” Red brushed his cheeks with her thumbs, showing great care in not hurting him with her talons. “I got a little too excited.”

Cletus gave her a small smile. “It’s alright. Just…just that’s special.”

Red moved her hands down his cheeks to his neck, then to his shoulders, sliding them over his arms until she grasped his free hand. “Very well.” She lifted the hand to her mouth and pressed her teeth to it. The way Cletus smiled made Dave wonder if maybe that was why Lisa let him into the house. A smile didn’t look half bad on him.

Dave’s thoughts were cut short when both of Red’s large hands came down on his shoulders. Her strength was immense, and she used none of the careful gentleness she displayed with Cletus.

“Well, Dave,” she said. Her voice seemed more distorted, and the sleek, beautiful face from before was now twisted and misshapen as her jaw unhinged. “Nice meeting you, but it’s down the hatch.”

Dave remembered the plate of meatloaf Cletus put in front of him earlier and looked down in time to see Red’s foot dangerously close to it.

“Be careful of the meatlo—”

Her teeth ripped his head from his spine before he finished.


	2. Brother-In-Law? I think you mean Brother...to my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Prescott's mysterious disappearance, Cletus and Red settle into their new house after it's been sufficiently dusted for prints. Now, as Cletus prepares for his brother-in-law's visit, he intends to introduce Sleeper to his new nephew. However, klyntar are known for their cannibalism, and Sleeper has expensive tastes being the head honcho of the alien mafia. Will this uncle/nephew meeting go well? Or are Cletus and Red going to have to try for baby number two until they get it right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This short story was a gift exchange for the Carnage Clown Car, and my exchangee was my dearest buddy owlapin! Not much to say, other than enjoy! Lemme know what you think!

Pained breath wheezed out of the old woman’s lungs. The wheels of her overturned wheelchair creaked as they turned. Tears budded from the corners of her eyes and sank into the deep wrinkles of her face. Cletus grinned. He’d heard the crunch of her neck even over the crashing metal of her chair.

Something large and sharp threaded gently through his hair, and suddenly he was no longer standing, but laying comfortably on his side.

The tangled body of the old woman faded. He opened his eyes to see sunlight streaming through the velvet curtains of his and Red’s bedroom. Something wriggled under his hand and he remembered the baby had slithered into bed with him. He yawned and rolled over on his back, picking the baby up and placing it on his chest. The movement allowed him to catch Red watching him like she always did.

“Have a pleasant dream?” She lowered her head to gently press her mouth against the curls of red hair resting against his forehead. “You were smiling so peacefully, but it’s been an hour and Sleeper called. He said he’d be here in forty-five minutes.”

“You know I always have my best dreams during the day.” Cletus tilted his head back to plant a soft kiss on her mouth. Her teeth were solid against his lips. They were the only things about her other than her eyes and talons that weren’t constantly shifting. “Has it been an hour already?” He absentmindedly ran his fingers over Red’s jawline. The baby wriggled, and the sensation through his shirt tickled slightly. What a wonderful thing to have a family. He couldn’t understand why so many men ran from it or how men like Dave Prescott acted as if simply sticking around was enough.

Red rumbled out a purr and tilted her head to give him better access. Without further prompting, he switched to scratching under her chin.

“I wouldn’t have woken you otherwise,” she said. “I like watching you sleep.”

He sighed fondly. “Just like when we first met and I’d watch you through your windows until three in the morning.”

“Sure, but I always knew you were there,” Red said with a sound reminiscent to the chittering of a colony of rats. It was how she giggled and Cletus thought it was the cutest. 

“You didn’t stop me.” Cletus lifted his head to playfully bump Red’s forehead with his own.

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings by letting you know you suck at stalking.”

“I only suck because you’re not human,” he said. “You got a nose better than a bloodhound.”

“If I were human you would have eventually killed me,” Red said, although not with the horror such a statement demanded. It was more as if she viewed her hypothetical humanity as a flaw she was lucky to have been born without.

Cletus grinned. “Probably.” He pulled her face down to give her one last kiss before cupping the baby in his hands and passing him to Red. The shiny black and blue mass made him think of a mutilated heart, and he grinned when a few tiny, vein-like tendrils wrapped around his fingers. “He’s definitely a daddy’s boy, isn’t he?”

“Sure is,” Red said.

Cletus sat up with a yawn. Who knew naps could be so refreshing when Red was around to quiet the racket in his skull? Both in prison and when he lived on the streets, taking a nap was a good way to get himself shived. 

Red lounged back on their king-sized bed, their baby cradled in her talons, and it took Cletus all he had to not lay back down with them. He suspected Red knew this, and that she would be so cruel as to tempt him reminded him of how he had come to respect her.

She was foul, ill-tempered, and all too eager to tear him apart at the slightest invitation, but he couldn’t love her any other way. 

Cletus got up and stretched, ignoring the part of himself that demanded he lay down with his wife. His brother-in-law was coming over, and Cletus was all too eager to make a good impression since their first few go arounds were…lacking.

Sleeper was Red’s younger brother, and probably the most important person in her life. Therefore, he was also one of the most important people in Cletus’s life. The sentiments were not returned to Cletus’s liking, however.

It was actually a small fear that Sleeper didn’t like him all that much, and merely tolerated him for Red’s sake. Sleeper had gone out of his way to help Red plan the wedding, but Cletus couldn’t help but often think back to the first time he met his brother-in-law.

It had been a bright spring afternoon. Red had moved him into her penthouse, despite his assurances that he’d been homeless since he got out of prison two years prior, and thus knew what he was doing. Still, she said she’d read about a human’s cold tolerance, and was not impressed.

So, once the flowers started blooming again, and New York no longer looked like an apocalyptic wasteland, Cletus found himself dressed to the nines sitting across from his future brother-in-law feeling like he was about to shit his pants. Sleeper, after all, was a lot to handle when it came to introductions, and Red made no subtleties about how protective she was over Cletus’s well-being. A fact Sleeper did not respond well to due to Cletus’s unfortunate affliction of being human.

As they had hissed and psychically lashed out at each other in their own klyntar language, Cletus took to poking at some of the alien delicacies sprawled across the table. A creature that looked like a cross between a slug and some kind of Venus flytrap snapped at his fingers as he reached for what hopefully was salad.

The reflexes he developed in prison due to his cell mate Eddie throwing things when his mind wandered to Spider-Man (which happened frequently, but that was another story), took effect immediately. The serving tongs went through the strange entree’s head and nailed it to the table.

“Well, excellent work, Christopher,” Sleeper said then—as it took him several months to wear down every C name until he got to Cletus. “You just assassinated the Crown Prince of Xandar 9. Their planet will be awash with civil war by the morning.”

“Oh, gosh, I-I thought he was food. M-Maybe he’s okay.” Cletus proceeded to try and give the very deceased creature a few compressions on what he hoped was the prince’s chest. Having no clue what he was doing, Cletus lifted the creature up between two fingers. “I think he’ll walk, er, slither it off.” Cletus opened his fingers, and the prince hit the table with a wet plop. “Oh, geeze.” He spared Red an apologetic look. The last thing he wanted to do was make her look bad in front of her brother. “I really didn’t mean to start a civil war.”

“Ah, I was going to kill him anyway.” Sleeper’s biomass rippled as he let out a rattling chitter—the klyntar equivalent of a chuckle—and the smooth space between his cheek pits split into a fanged grin. “I love a good civil war.” Then without taking his eerie red eyes off of Cletus, he pulled a gun from his lapel and shot one of his goons approaching from behind. “Remember to always wipe your feet before you enter a home, Clovis. X-Gar here just had to learn that lesson the hard way.”

“Okay, now you’re not even trying,” Red hissed.

Needless to say, Cletus wasn’t sure if he had done a good thing in regards to his relationship with his brother-in-law that day.

Today, however, the ambiguity of Sleeper’s regard for him was going to change. The dream of Nana Kasady’s twisted corpse made him sure of it. Who ever heard of someone having a pleasant dream right before something bad was about to happen?

“Hey, honey, where’s my toothbrush?” he asked after washing his face in their connected bathroom.

Red didn’t look up from where she was etching patterns into a human skull with her talon from her human skull pile in the corner. It was turning out lovely, and Cletus was happy to see her finding hobbies for herself. The baby wriggled in her lap, and Cletus felt his heart ache in the best way possible.

“In the medicine cabinet behind the ketamine syringes,” she said.

What would he do without her?

After brushing his teeth and putting on an outfit that smelled fresh, he turned to Red and asked, “How do I look?”

At this Red did look up at him, and gently rumbled. “Delicious.”

“Babe,” Cletus said with slight, yet fond exasperation. “I know you naturally crave to consume my flesh, and your desire for my continued existence is the only reason you haven’t, but I really want to show your brother I have my shit together, and that I can provide for you.”

“Cletus, Sleeper’s idea of you providing for me efficiently is if you were able to buy me a mega yacht.”

“I mean, I’m sure I could pull off a heist to get that cash and launder it in on of his pizza parlors in Brooklyn,” Cletus said as he tapped his lip and started muttering the schematics. Plans weren’t really his thing. He was very much a creature of impulse. He only stopped when he felt Red’s arms drape over his shoulders and her face press into the hair on top of his head.

“I don’t want a mega yacht. I was to be here. With you. In the house we chose.” Deceptively delicate tendrils wrapped around his upper arms. “Sleeper knows that.” Cletus couldn’t fathom how he lived before he developed such an all-consuming obsession over Red. She occupied his mind and every thought it produced, and her absence was incomprehensible. “You’re doing that thing where you try to plan and drive yourself into a blinding rage.” Red purred. “And you don’t have time to take responsibility for turning me on.” 

“You’re right,” he sighed. “Is this a good idea, Red?” He tilted his head back against her shoulder. She was so much bigger and stronger than him, if she tightened her arms enough, she could snap him in half, but she was always so careful, so protective. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to it. “I don’t want to be culturally insensitive, but I’ll be really upset if your brother eats our son.” 

“He’ll be safe,” Red said against his shoulder. “I’ll lock him in our bathroom so he and Sleeper can smell each other under the door.”

“Positive reinforcement, right?” Cletus turned to cradled her face in his hands. She was so hauntingly beautiful, like a constantly hungry beast straight from Hell itself. Red brushed her forehead against his.

“Relax,” she said. “Sleeper can smell fear.”

“Right, right,” Cletus said, rubbing the back of his head. He wasn’t used to feeling anxious. Before he acquired a family through strategic stalking of a predatory alien (which, thinking back, probably was a secret death wish, but that was a trip to a shrink he never planned on taking) he never cared for how he presented to other people.

Tearing himself away from the love of his life, they both headed downstairs to the living room. The shrine he had of Sleeper greeted him, and he gave it one last inspection in an effort not to count down the moments to his brother-in-law’s arrival. The shrine was a simple thing. It consisted of a framed print of the self portrait Sleeper had hanging in his foyer. In it, he gazed off to the right while, Jeremy, his drooling Komodo dragon rested in his arms like a rich woman’s tiny dog.

Cletus once asked if Sleeper had a permit to keep his reptilian friend, to which Sleeper responded with a delighted, “Nope!” as he signed the paperwork to turn another toxic waste dump into a country club. He said he liked watching other rich people poison themselves slowly and over a long period of time. Compared it to sipping a glass of 1947 Cheval Blanc—volatile in its acidity, but well worth the price. 

Cletus shook the memory away. It only added to Sleeper’s already insurmountable intimidation factor. He instead adjusted the main portrait among the various objects that made up his offerings, which included some of Jeremy’s skin, a shard from a wine glass Sleeper threw at his butler, Tel-Kar, and the teeth of the alien Sleeper shot when Red first introduced them.

All of it was arranged with the utmost care and Cletus gave Red’s hand a squeeze before stepping onto the porch.

It wasn’t long before Sleeper pulled up in a Bugatti, and stepped out wearing a suit that was probably worth three of Cletus’s paychecks. Despite being younger than Red, Sleeper stood even taller and more muscular than her. Two leaf-shaped red eyes sat on a mouthless, black face. Like Red, his surface shifted constantly, and it shimmered in the sunlight like polished obsidian.

“Hey, Sleeps!” Cletus waved as his brother-in-law popped open the trunk of his sports car. “Welcome to the neighborhood!”

“Hmm, yes, this would be considered one, wouldn’t it?” Sleeper asked.

“Sleeper, don’t be a dick,” Red said flatly.

The smooth surface of Sleeper’s face split horizontally across the two circular pits in his cheeks, revealing a mouth full of fangs. A hiss that made goosebumps erupt down Cletus’s spine rattled out.

Red hissed back, and Cletus feared that they were about to fight on his freshly cut lawn, until the Bugatti rose as a blue humanoid alien crawled out of the trunk. As soon as he was free, the car practically bounced now that his weight was gone.

“You brought Tel-Kar to my new house?” Red asked in disgust.

“I couldn’t leave him alone. I got his bones encased in gold and engraved with my name in case he runs away, and the surgery was _very_ invasive,” Sleeper said.

“Guess that’s why he’s so heavy now,” Cletus remarked as he watched the last few bounces of the car. He took one of Red’s hands in both of his to keep her grounded for now. As funny as it was to watch her and Sleeper claw at each other in the Klyntar form of the I’m Not Touching You Game, there was an unattended baby in his bathroom. “Come on!” Cletus said, tugging Red after him. “You have to meet my little buddy!”

“His name can’t possibly be buddy,” Sleeper said. “You know with a name like that other klyntar—”

“—are legally allowed to kill him, I know,” Cletus said. “Red already told me.”

“We haven’t thought of a name yet,” Red said. “That’s just what Cletus likes to call him in the safety of our home. Which, look at it, isn’t it great since the crime scene crew dusted it for evidence?”

Sleeper’s gaze travelled around the spacious living room. It was mostly the same since the Prescotts vanished under mysterious circumstances, but they were starting to make it look more like theirs. The mounted head of Sarl the Great Horned King of Syncun 6—a souvenir from the whirlwind of wild dates Red whisked him away on—hung over their fireplace, while Sleeper’s shrine stood by the stairs. It was on this that Sleeper’s attention fell. Cletus gulped.

Sleeper stared at the small table adorned with various knickknacks gathered from his mansion with such intensity that Cletus gripped Red’s hand tighter to keep his heart steady. Touching Red always helped his nerves to some degree, but she seemed to sense he needed more of her and moved so he was pressed against her side.

After another few seconds of staring that had no business being so intense, Sleeper reached over and moved his portrait slightly to the right.

Fuck! Of course it was off center. Cletus could practically feel the affection points dropping. Satisfied with the look of the shrine, Sleeper nudged his butler. “Tel-Kar, go out to the backyard and stare at the sun. I’m going to meet my nephew.”

Tel-Kar, long broken by defeat, immediately headed to the kitchen where the sliding doors led to the backyard. Cletus never liked Tel-Kar. It had little to do with the kree chasing him off of Sleeper and Red’s property before he got the nerve to ask Red on a date, and more to do with how even while basically being Sleeper’s slave, Tel-Kar wafted an air of condescension like it was B.O.

“So,” Sleeper clapped his hands. “Where is the little morsel? I’m absolutely starving!”

“Ah ha,” Cletus forced out. “Good joke.”

“Yes,” Red said, keeping a protective hand on Cletus’s back while giving Sleeper a pointed glare. The surface of her body shifted a bit more erratically. “Good joke.”

The tension between them was so thick, it was hard to remember that they were actually close as far as klyntar siblings went. Cletus learned quickly that klyntar didn’t value family nearly as much as humans did, but Red and Sleeper seemed to be a relative exception to the rule. As much as they roared and hissed at each other, actual fights only happened about a third of the time, and even then, they were tame compared to what he’d seen them do to other aliens. 

“Well, the baby ain’t getting any cuter!” Cletus said, hoping to stop the staring contest between the two massive aliens in his living room. They were planning on replacing the carpet with hardwood, anyway, but his dreamhouse didn’t include claw marks in the walls. So, he headed up the stairs towards the bathroom and stood by the door.

“Aren’t you going to open it?” Sleeper asked after a moment.

“Not until you smell him under the door,” Red said, crossing her arms.

“Oh, come on. I’m not actually going to eat him!”

“Liar.”

There was another round of threatening hissing between the two, before Sleeper raised his greenish claws in defeat and got down on his knees to bring his scent pits closer to the crack between the bottom of the door and floor. Cletus was thankful he didn’t put up much of a fuss. He was well aware that Sleeper could simply kick the door down if he really wanted, and seeing Sleeper’s teeth earlier made him less than eager to throw himself in front of them to protect his child.

“Uh, you sure he’s in here?” Sleeper asked. “I’m picking up his scent, but it’s pretty faint.”

“He should be,” Red said. “I put him in there myself.”

Cletus felt his heartrate pick up all over again. “Um, hold on, Sleeper, let me check on him.” He slid between Sleeper and the door and cracked it open to see their lovely bathroom completely empty save for the toilet, sink, and the corpse of a man draining in the tub. There was no writhing ball of blue and red goo to be found. He immediately slammed the door shut and turned to look at the two aliens before him with a strained smile.

“H-Hey, Sleeper, why don’t you go check on Tel-Kar? I’m sure by now the sun has already burned his retinas. Plus, I bought some live chickens in Chinatown yesterday, and they’re in the backyard waiting for you!” Cletus shifted a panicked gaze to Red, who immediately understood and grasped Sleeper’s shoulders to help him up.

“Yes, they’re fat and full of blood. Cletus wouldn’t let me have one at first, but I whined and he gave in,” she said.

Despite the current crises, Cletus found himself smiling fondly at his wife. “I can’t ever say no to you.”

“Of course he did,” Sleeper muttered. “You know that’s the only reason I helped you two get back together after that shabby set up by my former associate.”

“I know,” Red said. Contrary to her previously hostile behavior, she stood on the balls of her feet and nuzzled his cheek with her forehead while making a pleased trill.

Sleeper snapped at her face, but it seemed more playful than threatening. “I’ll be out back, then.” He turned down the hall and headed down the stairs. He was so heavy that Cletus could hear his footsteps all the way into the kitchen until he exited the house.

“The baby’s gone,” Cletus said as soon he could no longer hear Sleeper.

“Huh, guess he squeezed through the crack in the door,” Red said.

“You said he wouldn’t!” Cletus exclaimed.

“Well, yeah, I thought he’d be busy eating the general manager of the Costco you lived in,” Red said, eying the corpse in the tub still in his uniform. “He’s an awfully fussy baby, it seems.”

“Babe, I didn’t live there, I squatted under the overpass next to it,” Cletus said, scratching nervously at his jaw. “Shit, Red, what if something happens to him?”

“It’s okay. We can just make another one.” She said it like it was so simple, as if Sleeper didn’t specifically come here to meet his nephew. As if his chance to have a happy family was such a good thing for him, he didn’t trust it to remain a reality.

“No, you breathtakingly beautiful fool.” Cletus pulled her face down so he could look her directly in the eye. His future was in that baby’s well-being. For the entirety of his childhood, Cletus was told he’d never amount to anything, and the sentiment hadn’t changed throughout his various foster homes. “If I let my son get eaten by his uncle, that makes me a bad dad, and if I’m a bad dad, then I shouldn’t exist!” Being a father better than his own didn’t seem very challenging, but at least Cletus had made it into adulthood.

“Cletus, you’re spiraling,” Red said gently, placing her hands over his. She held them firmly, and he felt a spike of rage at himself when he realized she was keeping him from ripping his hair out—a habit he developed during his time in St. Estes Home for Boys. “Calm down. We’ll find him. Sleeper won’t eat him.” She bumped her forehead against his and pulled away from his grasp. “I think.” 

Cletus knew she was doing her best to empathize with his plight, and although to most people her best would be lacking, he knew how much of an effort it was for her to care at all. He pressed a kiss to her hand, and resisted the urge to continue along her talons. He had a brother-in-law to entertain.

Tearing himself away from Red, Cletus made his way back downstairs and to the spacious backyard. It would have been perfect for a dog, if Cletus ever trusted himself to keep one alive. Tel-Kar was still staring up at the sun, and an open cage out of the three Cletus bought indicated Sleeper had helped himself to one of the chickens. It was when Cletus found Sleeper, that his face went pale.

Mark the Destroyer was out on his back patio, and he had Sleeper locked into a conversation. It was the worst possible development imaginable. If Mark had been alive when aliens first integrated into society, Cletus was sure they would have destroyed the planet instead. They guy was as boring as a moldy plank of wood, and the definition of a psychic vampire. He and Red had only moved in a couple weeks ago, and after just two conversations with Mark, Cletus would have killed him had it not been for his wife being some sort of alien demi god.

“And that’s how we found out about my mother’s canker sore,” Mark said just has Cletus ran up to Sleeper. “Oh, heya, new neighbor! Good to see you!”

“Cletus, I was just having a delightful conversation with your charming neighbor here,” Sleeper said as Cletus placed a hand on his chest to calm his heartbeat. “We were discussing spreadsheets.”

Cletus had no idea how the topic of spreadsheets led into a story about Mark discovering his mother’s canker sore, and he wasn’t interested to find out. He had to distract Sleeper somehow while Red looked for their child.

“That’s great, Mark,” Cletus said breathlessly. “I hope the chicken was good.”

“It was palatable,” Sleeper said. “I was just telling Mark about how I’m visiting to meet my new nephew. Have you found him?”

“Oh, no, your kid is missing?” Mark asked. His watery brown eyes were fucking huge behind his glasses.

“Actually I…” Cletus’s voice died in his throat when Sleeper shifted slightly, and he caught sight of a writhing ball of goo attached to the back of his suit. He supposed he should be thankful that Sleeper was so huge that he didn’t seem to feel his hitchhiker, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t smell him. Cletus wasn’t aware of his mouth hanging open until he felt both Sleeper and Mark staring at him. “A-Actually, we did!”

“Oh?” Sleeper asked in a tone Cletus couldn’t quite read. “Then why is my sister on the roof?”

Cletus turned around to face the house, and sure enough, Red was crawling on all fours across the shingles. To her credit, she noticed all eyes on her within a few seconds and paused the prowling to raise a hand in a wave.

“Oh, hi Mark!” she called. “Lovely day, isn’t it?”

“Sure is, Mrs. Kasady!” Mark called back. He pushed his glasses back up his nose. “I was just having a chat with your brother! Having trouble finding the baby?”

“No, it’s fine!” Red called back. Cletus pressed two fingers to each temple. He loved Red dearly, but being inconspicuous was not one of her strong suits. “He’s around here somewhere!”

“Golly, I hope you find him! Makes me thankful I’ve had time to prepare before my own little ankle-biter arrives!” Mark said.

“You mentioned you were expecting. You have my congratulations,” Sleeper said. “Say Cletus, why don’t you invite your neighbors over?”

Cletus stood on the balls of his feet to catch glimpses of his own gooey child, then hastily looked over his shoulder to where Red (bless her evil heart) was now standing upright on the roof. “I don’t know if Red’s up for visitors.” Loathe as he was to throw his beloved under the bus, he knew Sleeper would do anything for her. The same could not be said of Sleeper’s relationship with him, where Cletus snorted up any scrap of affection like it was cocaine.

“Hey, Red, is it okay if I invite your neighbors over?” Sleeper yelled with his hands over his mouth.

“What?” she called back.

Cletus shook his head wildly in Red’s direction. He couldn’t handle Mark right now with his nerves so shot, and he especially wasn’t keen on suffering the frigid atmosphere that shrouded Girnath’s physical body. Not only that, but he couldn’t deny the empty pit inside him growing slightly bigger the more Sleeper seemed to enjoy Mark’s company. It wasn’t fair.

“I said, is it okay if I invite Mark and his wife over!”

“Oh!” Red paused and Cletus begged her silently to say no. “Sure! That sounds fun!”

His hand came up to meet his face and he clenched his jaw to keep from groaning. “You heard the lady,” he muttered. “Come on over. I got live chickens.”

“Gee golly, thanks a ton, Cletus. Girnath is eating for two, after all! We’ll be right over!” 

“Not sure how that’s possible, but alright,” Cletus muttered. There was no way Mark had the ability to impregnate Girnath. More than likely, she sought out one of her own species to copulate with while keeping Mark as her willful slave. 

Red leapt down from the roof, and landed silently in the backyard. She was so fluid and graceful, Cletus almost forgot about his baby being attached to his potentially cannibalistic uncle. Even in the worst of times, she had such an effect on him that when she approached, he held her hands as automatically as breathing or blinking. He looked up at her and subtly jerked his head towards Sleeper.

She stared at him, and his heart raced partly out of love, and partly out of anxiety. It was still difficult for him to read her expressions, and he couldn’t help the exasperation he felt when she softly chittered in concern and extended a few tendrils to massage his neck. Obviously, they still had work to do when it came to reading more subtle human body language. 

“The baby,” he mouthed and tried again with the head tilt. Thankfully, Sleeper didn’t seem to notice, for he had taken a diamond-encrusted flask out of the lapel of his suit and started chugging the contents. The baby remained attached to his uncle like a burr.

Red followed the direction of Cletus’s head jerk and her frayed eyes rounded at the top in what he hoped was realization.

“You found it, dear,” she whispered. “I’m so proud of you.”

If Cletus believed in a god he would have wanted his wife to be blessed for all eternity. “Help me get it,” he said through clenched teeth.

Red looked at her brother, who was still impressively chugging his flask. She opened her mouth to say something, when a shadow passed over them. Girnath the Destroyer floated over from her neatly trimmed backyard to theirs, carrying Mark in her spindly appendages.

Sleeper held out his hand upon her landing. She gave him one of her translucent tendrils in response, vibrated at a frequency that caused all the grass around her to die, crumble to dust, and grow back, then within all their minds said in a thousand voices,

**“So glad to have aliens in neighborhood. Girnath the Destroyer, and met my husband, Mark the Destroyer, I see.” **

“It is very nice to meet you too Mrs. The Destroyer,” Sleeper said pleasantly. “My name is Sleeper. I’m Red’s brother. Just popped in to visit my nephew.”

**“How wonderful! So good to see two close klyntar siblings. Didn’t think it was possible.” **Girnath put Mark down, and Cletus wondered how the hell these two carried out any sort of relationship. Sure, he wasn’t one to talk, but at least Red could configure her body into a somewhat humanoid shape. The closest thing he could think of to describe Girtnath was if someone took an octopus or squid, covered it in black chitinous armor, and then threw several dozen eyes on for good measure. “Care for a chicken?” Sleeper asked. “My brother-in-law so graciously provided some live ones.”

**“Oh, yes, thank you,”** Girnath’s many voices rang out as a portal opened up in the bottom of one of the chicken’s cages. The bird was sucked into it, only to reappear in Girnath’s three-clawed hand. From there, its feathers disintegrated into dust, the skin beneath peeled away, followed by the muscle, organs and bones until the chicken was gone with out so much as a cluck. **“Delicious,” **Girnath purred. **“Greatly appreciate generosity, Mr. Kasady. Pregnancy cravings are the worst.” **

“Aren’t they though?” Red asked. Cletus felt one of her hands touch his upper arm and he leaned against her for strength. “Before I spawned, Cletus had to specially order live catfish for me.” Cletus was so fixated on the baby on Sleeper’s shoulder that he nearly startled when he felt her hard mouth brush his cheek.

**“Excellent husband, then,”** Girnath said. **“Praise Mr. Kasady.”**

“Please, call me Cletus. Mr. Kasady was my dad.” He rubbed the back of his neck, wondering what the hell he was going to do to distract Sleeper long enough for Red to grab their child. He wasn’t going to be like his own father. This baby was going to have a great fucking life even if it killed him in the process.

“You’re lucky to have such great neighbors,” Sleeper said. “Mine were so bad, I had to have Tel-Kar plant Nultarian porn in their house.” Cletus learned from Red that a common side effect of watching Nultarian porn was seizures.

Sleeper continued to chat with Girnath and Mark, and Cletus had never seen him so at ease. Perhaps it was the giant flask of alcohol he just chugged, or maybe, maybe it was that he was actually enjoying their company. More than he ever did Cletus’s at least. He looked up at Red and saw that she was content listening to Girnath talk about how she once drifted another dimension and turned everyone’s feet into molasses just to see what would happen.

Molasses did not make sufficient feet, as it turned out.

**“Oh.”** Girnath suddenly said.

“What is it, my dear?” Mark asked, taking hold of one of Girnath’s translucent tendrils. “Is it the baby?”

**“Yes**,” Girnath said. She drew the cloud of translucent tendrils aside to reveal a fleshy stalk of bloated, pulsating tissue extending from her main body.

“Oh my God!” Cletus exclaimed despite himself. The sight was so horrific, that his attention was completely torn away from his baby.

“Aw, you’re so far along,” Sleeper remarked. He raised a hand. “May I?”

**“Of course,”** Girnath said.

“Sleeper, please don’t touch it—_Oh, my God, you’re touching it.”_ Cletus cupped his hands around his eyes and looked down at the ground.

“Wow, Girnath, you’re seriously about to pop,” Sleeper said. Cletus looked up and swallowed back a rush of bile. This was seriously the most disgusting thing he’d ever seen, and he had his own personality. Sleeper extended a few tendrils from the sleeve of his white suit. They phased into the stalk of soft flesh, and Cletus thought he was about to pass out when he saw the largest of Girnath’s eyes fixate on the baby on Sleeper’s back. Sleeper stepped back. “Huh, you’re going to give birth in three seconds.” 

“What?!” Cletus exclaimed. “What do you mean she’s going to—”

The spout of flesh detached from Girnath’s body with a wet squelching sound. It plopped into the yard spraying a foul-smelling fluid everywhere.

“Oh darling, isn’t it beautiful?” Red asked.

Cletus looked over to the detached flesh tube and covered his nose and mouth as it split open. It then melted into a viscous, clear liquid that revealed a mass of human limbs, with exact replicas of Mark’s eyes blinking and watering over a black, chitinous body. The many arms writhed, and armored human fingers ending in razor sharp claws dug at the lawn.

Sleeper lifted a talon to wipe a tear out of his eye. “Oh, Mark. Even though we just met, I’m so glad we can share this moment together. Congratulations. He’s beautiful. Or she. Whatever. It really makes me want to meet my nephew.” 

The creature twisted in on itself as all of its eyes fixated on Mark. With a wheezing cry, it half-slithered, half crawled towards its father.

“Oh, Jesus!” Cletus couldn’t help but lurch back into Red’s arms. 

“Ha ha, Jesus has nothing to do with this particular miracle,” Mark said as he gave Cletus’s shoulder a hearty pat. “It’s all the power of love.”

The alien-human hybrid on the ground shrieked out loud, its many human mouths, complete with lips opening to razor sharp teeth.

“Oh, it's such a little scamp,” Red said, her hands gently cupping his shoulders and at the same time letting him know she had completely forgot about their baby.

The tentacled nightmare of a creature writhed out of its own afterbirth. It’s many clones of Mark’s eyes blinked in the sunlight as it finally reached his legs. The smell of decay filled the air as the abomination crawled its way into Mark’s arms. “Hey, there, little guy,” he said. “I’m your daddy.”

**“Yes, and I am your birth giver,”** Girnath’s voices said, but all one thousand of them were gentle as she floated next to Mark and placed a spindly hand on his shoulder.

“She sure is,” Mark said. “And we are going to take such good care of you.”

The infant screeched in response, and Mark chuckled and adjusted his glasses before giving the baby a soft kiss on one of its armored plates. 

Cletus was so transfixed on the horrific (yet also wholesome) sight before him, that he too also forgot about his own child. He was reminded when Red tapped his shoulder. He looked up at her and she tilted her head towards Sleeper.

Cletus followed her gesture prepared for the worst and filled with terror, until what he saw connected to his brain meat. His black, shriveled heart, melted. While he wasn’t looking, the baby had revealed himself. Yet, instead of Sleeper viciously devouring the tiny ball of goo, he held the child in the palm of his large hand.

“Hello there,” Sleeper said, lifting one of his greenish talons to toy with one of the several flailing tendrils form the baby klyntar’s main body. One of the tendrils wrapped around Sleeper’s finger, and Sleeper, as cold as he normally was, made the sweetest purr in response. “You look like your mom.”

“Ha, look at that. You get to meet your new family too, Sleeper,” Mark said as a proboscis shot out of his child’s mouth and attached to his cheek.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Sleeper said. “Hey, kiddo. I’m your uncle.” Cletus never heard Sleeper speak or move so carefully before. Even Sleeper’s handshakes tended to be bone-crushing. Literally. Sleeper then got mad the injured dignitary couldn’t sign the zoning permit to allow a horse farm to be built. 

“Told you he wouldn’t eat him,” Red said rather smugly in Cletus’s ear.

“Yeah, yeah,” Cletus said, giving her chin a good scratch. Cletus continued to watch Sleeper’s interactions with their child and felt the tension spool out of his chest. This was good. There was no other shoe waiting to drop. He and Red made this life together, and it was finally, finally going to be a good one for them both.

“So, Sleeper,” Cletus began. “You thinking we can hang out sometime?” There was hope in his voice.

“Ah, Cletus.” Sleeper took a moment to chitter at the baby, who returned the vocalizations in a more garbled squeak. “Not in a million years.”

Well, there was always next time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I love doing these short stories when I have time or am trying to work on something light before I get to the end of How I Met My Brother. Hope you enjoyed!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks a ton for reading! If you liked it, let me know! And go send love to [freedomconvicted](https://freedomconvicted.tumblr.com/) for her amazing idea.


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